Birds can be the ultimate jerks. They look all sweet and innocent with their little sing-songs and delicate nests filled with round, soft eggs.
Yet, how many of you have ever been pooped on by a bird? I sure have! I was waiting in front of school for my carpool to get out of class when PLOP! A big splat of white bird poop was dripping down my hair and onto my shoulder.
Worse yet, when I was around 10 years old, a crow flew down and pecked me on the top of the head when I was walking into a grocery store.
But of course, birds are the best jokester-jerks of all! Just take a look at this hilarious list full of photographic proof to see what we mean.
1. This angry cockatoo wasn’t going to stand for anti-bird spikes – he tore them right down!
Despite all of my not-so-great run-ins with birds, I still find myself drawn to the winged creatures. Like any good jerk, they keep us hooked.
In fact, I feed the crows that live at my barn and just hope it wasn’t one of their grandparents who pecked me atop the head so many years ago.
2. “This bird waits for my coworker to show up every morning. Then spends the day looking at itself in the mirror and shitting.”
Many people are downright terrified of birds, and for good reason – all of that pooping, screeching, and pecking can really do a person in.
Ornithophobia is the fear of birds. It affects around 0.9% of the U.S. population.
3. They are even jerks to each other
Did you know that hummingbirds will claim a bird feeder and not let anyone else near it? Talk about selfish!
In addition, crows will eat their own kind – they especially enjoy feasting on robins and bluebirds.
4. Okay, not going to lie, I kind of like the addition this bird made to a fresh paint job
Birds aren’t just the descendants of dinosaurs… they are dinosaurs. While no land-based dinos survived the large asteroid that hit Earth 66 million years ago, some flying dinosaurs did.
Birds are a very close relative to the Velociraptor, sharing a common ancestor from the Jurassic period.
5. “Get a bird they said, it’ll be fun they said”
6. You can’t mess with the birds…
7. Watch out for the Goose Guard
8. They have no regard for nature
Need even more reason to fear (or envy) birds? They can nap while in flight! It’s a skill they use to get through long commutes during migrating season.
9. No one puts baby in a cage
Some birds use farts to capture prey. The Australian Bassian farts at the ground, using the terrible scent to lure worms and other insects out of the ground and into their beak.
10. This has also happened to me… so much for beach picnics
11. The moment before the monster strikes
Don’t let those sweet rosy cheeks fool you!
12. Frightening fact – Australian Firehawks are a thing
Australian firehawks are known to spread wildfires using their beaks or talons to transport burning sticks. This allows them to capture fleeing prey or chew on the charred remains of critters who didn’t make it out on time.
13. Bird got your teeth
14. Payback to the masters
15. Goose gives zero ducks
16. Even penguins are naughty
17. Little girl wanted to pet the chicken… quickly learns lesson
18. Mr. Steal Your Fries
I’d let that crow have the fries if he wants them. After all, researchers at the University of Washington found that crows can recognize faces and will hold grudges.
19. A summary of what it’s like to own a bird
20. “Keeps pecking the window and shouting at me while I’m trying to work.”
Birds will attack their own reflection. When birds tap on your window it’s probably not to get your attention. Instead, migratory birds are territorial and often mistake their reflection for a rival bird, and so they start pecking.
21. This guy is a biter, you’ve been warned
22. The cat never saw it coming
23. All birds: Wanna go sh*t on as many cars as possible?
That creamy white stuff all over your car? It’s not just poo, it’s pee too. Birds excrete waste from their cloaca – a catch-all orifice. The white stuff is technically uric acid, and the small brown center is the poo part.
It will destroy the paint on your car if it’s not removed in a timely manner.
25. Thank you very much!