Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it’s also a rather difficult thing. Two different people coming together to make a life as one entails a good deal of compromise, sacrifice, and selfless actions.
No matter how much you love your spouse, they will drive you crazy and irritate you to no end. They may wreck the car, break the fridge, or forget your anniversary.
Perhaps it’s the little things that drive you mad – like leaving all the kitchen cabinets open, or never putting the clean pots and pans away.
No matter what your spouse does to anger you, at the end of the day, no one has your back like a supportive and loving partner.
Marriage is filled with highs and lows, but in the midst of the lows, just remember they make the highs that much better.
me: Have you seen my keys?
wife: No. Did you check your pocket?
wife: Both of them?
me [mocking] "Both of them?”
me *finds keys* No
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 8, 2019
Considering at least 50% of marriages end in divorce, it’s important to appreciate the partner you are with.
I’ve been a bridesmaid/maid of honor in 4 weddings, and 2 ended in divorce within 1 year of saying “I Do.” So, in my experience around 50% of marriages do end in divorce.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 7, 2018
Certain occupations are linked with a higher rate of divorce, including gaming managers (52.9%), bartenders (52.7%), and flight attendants (50.5%).
As for occupations with the lowest divorce rates, actuaries only have a 17% divorce rate, followed by physical scientists (18.9%), clergy workers (19.8%) and software developers (20.3%).
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) February 10, 2019
Marrying someone you had an affair with is usually not a good idea, with 75% of these marriages ending in divorce.
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
Marrying young is another risk factor. Couples who wed under the age of 25 are at a heightened risk for divorce.
My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) February 2, 2019
Enough about divorce – let’s talk about happy wed couples, who tend to be more productive at work and enjoy a more fulfilled life.
According to psychologists at Wake Forest University, marriage offers greater life satisfaction than money, sex, or children.
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
Married couples should be spending more time together. The average married couple only spends four minutes a day of dedicated and focused time together.
— Chris Cannon (@ccannonauthor) May 6, 2019
The secret to a good marriage? Trust!
Trust tends to be the most prominent underlying factor among happy couples. Other important factors include friendship, good sex, compatibility, and forgiveness.
Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019
Marrying your perfect spouse cannot make you happy. A 15-year-long study discovered that the best predictor for a person’s happiness after marriage is how happy they were before tying the knot.
Instead of my husband asking me what I want to watch, he asks me what I want to fall asleep to & that pretty much sums up a marriage.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 27, 2019
60% of divorcees will marry again following a divorce, many within five years of calling it quits.
I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”
— motherducker (@houseandhens) February 3, 2019
The most successful marriages are between the oldest sister of brothers and the youngest brother of sisters.
Two firstborn lovers tend to have higher levels of aggression and may aggravate one another over time.
The highest divorce rates are seen when two only children marry – ah, the dreaded only child syndrome.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don't make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don't make a mess dad
Me: I'm not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) April 16, 2019
How long should one wait to get married? Research has found waiting three or more years to tie the knot results in lower divorce rates.
Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
Me: I guess not.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2019
The world’s first marriages were documented in 1250-1300 CE.
In its earliest origins, the point of marriage was to form an alliance between two families, not to bring together two deeply in love individuals.
People didn’t marry for love, but instead for economic liaisons. Arranged marriages were the norm at this time.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 29, 2018
Arranged marriages are still ongoing – in fact, they make up 90% of marriages in India. Around the world, about 53% of marriages are arranged.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) February 2, 2019
Dating all the way back to the ancient Romans, the engagement ring is a nearly universal marriage tradition. The round nature of the ring is attached to the concept of eternity, and the couple’s union lasting forever.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019
The ring finger originated because it was once believed that there was a vein or nerve that ran all the way from the left ring finger to the heart.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 23, 2019
Fun fact: 26 states still permit first cousins to get married.
Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 13, 2019
The average married couple has sex 68.5 times a year – that’s around one time per week.
1 in 5 couples experience a sexless marriage – which is defined as having less than 10 sexual encounters per year.
Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?
Me: It’s pronounced quiche.
— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) February 5, 2019
The word “bride” originates from an old proto-germanic word that means “to cook” – yikes!
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
— ADHDean, Movember Version (@ADHDeanASL) March 12, 2019
In France, one can marry a dead person.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 26, 2019
Scary fact: interracial marriage was illegal in the US between 1776 and 1967.
I get my hair cut and colored and my husband doesn’t notice for an entire week, but I draw one penis on his face and he notices the very next morning.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 8, 2019
Do you commute more than 45 minutes a day? If yes, you are 40% more likely to get a divorce.
Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 30, 2018
The third year of marriage tends to be the happiest for most couples.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
— smerobin (@smerobin) March 12, 2019
Don’t spend a lot of money on your wedding! Turns out, couples who spend more money on their big day have higher divorce rates.
Day 2,098 of marriage: Husband still doesn’t know where the Tupperware lives.
— Mummy Dear ????♀️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 2, 2019
Married life in a nutshell pic.twitter.com/4uXN90188X
— Emily Dowland (@ERG2012) May 1, 2019